I long for the life I had. One where I wake up happy with myself and excited for what I was and who I was becoming..... and who I was waking up to.
Its no surprise marriages have their ups and downs... mines had more downs then ups recently, well for a while now. I like to blame my husband and though he isnt innocent its a lot of mixture between the constant distractions in our lives, Dj's crazy sleeplesness, us NEVER being alone and one recent realization that I have totally lost my identity. Does that happen to all new moms? maybe. but it seems I have been stuck in this rut and that I am the only one that is. I have a MAJOR issue with comparing myself to other moms. Moms that dress their kids in pristine pressed clothes with perfectly styled hair topped with a uniquely homemade bow. The moms that wake up so happy each morning right as the sun rises and can even manage to take a shower and get dressed for the day before their beautiful baby wakes up. The moms that play with their kids all day, feed them homemade organic food, clean the house, make their beds and have dinner ready for when their husbands walk through the door. Oh and they look perfect themselves as they do it all. Ugh...this is whats keeping me from "having it all" myself.
I am the "mom" that wakes up long after the sun comes up- woken up by her 2 year old none the less. The mom that puts on a quick show for her daughter to allow myself to wake up and get out of bed, and sometimes my daughter even eats breakfast in bed with me. My daughter isnt on any kind of schedule, I rarely make dinner and cleaning? lets just say im struggling to do it all. I have a million unfinished projects and dont seem to be good at any of them really... see what I do to myself? This is the rut I'm talking about.
Its really been hard not having someone to talk to, everyone in my life is consumed with their own life and the trouble that comes with them. My husband is either working or sleeping and when we do talk- he doesn't understand. Nobody does. I think I have really limited the possibilities I have for friendships only because I think so little of myself and what I have to offer, because at the moment I would say its nothing.
I used to be so happy- like really happy with who I was- so much has changed and I really want to get back to that feeling.
Im hoping this is the start and by writing it down I fell like im obligated to do so- hence this blog I think.
Not quite sure how to do it but I know where iIwant to be, and know some of the steps I need to take. I need a new beginning so, with a long conversation with my husband, we have decided to officially move to a new location in town- a new setting and a new beginning- ALONE! wahooo. And Im making a promise to him, to Emma but most importantly to myself to be a better me - no, to be me. I have been so clouded the past few years- constant doubts of who I was or what I am capable of and times where I consume my time with others problems and help everyone else but us. Im doing this for us- its about time I fix our family- fix me. Cause their isnt a knight in shining armour that will do it for me- that was a dream we all have. It starts with us, as hard as this might be...
On a ligher note- I found some sort of passion- sewing! current project? tutus for an awesome photo session my sister and I will be doing next week.
We had a great time on our first vacation as a family and here's the proof:
Well I did promise pictures didn't I?
Aww my sister. That I didnt expect coming from you. I like the more "you" blogs. Im sorry youre feeling that way. We can find ourselves together...maybe through photography.
ReplyDeleteI look at you and see a very sensitive, loving woman who does not think so. I see someone that was born and bread to nurture. You think SOOO little of yourself and you manifest it. It's just messed up! I love you and am a VERY lucky man to be with you. There is no way that you have lost anything that you "were". You may have just misplaced it. But, like you said, a new beginning is all that you'll need I think. Life is going to be OUR's for the 1st time. We are finally going to know what it's like to have a new family. Alone. Say it with me. ALONE. It's going to be all I have ever dreamed of and you are the person I dreamed it would be with. I love you and could be no prouder of you and that fact that I have you. Great mom, wife, person. Everything else that you want in your life will come with this change, I promise.
ReplyDeleteP.S. We are one cute family! Eat your heart out Jollie-Pitt’s!
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